Tuesday, November 24, 2015


Image from cochranscartoons.com
Dear hunting enthusiast,

I will not slight you for hunting.  I used to be that way, but if you're eating the meat or donating the meat to a shelter or food bank, kudos to you.


If you have been out hunting, I beg you, implore you, get down on my hands and knees and plead of you...


That is all.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Y'all are all Fucking Retarded

I try not to throw teens under the bus and lump them all together as snot-nosed punks.  In fact, most of the teens and tween who come into the library are great.  I've watched kids grow up and become really fascinating, remarkable individuals.

I've also seen some self-righteous, entitled little shits, too.

The one in question here has a fabulous mother who is always nice.  The child in question has gone from one extreme to the other, and is currently suspended from school.  In the last week, I have had to tell her that she can't use her mother's library card to get on the computer ("Ugh!  I was just sitting here while she went outside!") and letting her boyfriend use her library card to use a computer after I'd told him that he had a fine AND the DVDs were still out, so I couldn't even let him pay on the fine to use a PC.

The pièce de résistance came the other day when she wanted to use the phone.  We have a pretty strict policy on phone use as we've had people try to conduct business phone calls on our line in the past.  We have a fax line and an incoming call line.  We can't have the lines tied up.  You can use the phone in case of emergencies or if you need a ride.  That's it.  No bargaining, no wide-eyed, puppy-dog begging.

Apparently, this child asked one of our pages if she could use the phone.  The employee asked for an explanation of what she needed.  The girl in question just needed to call someone to get another phone number, but it did not meet our phone policy criteria.  The page explained our phone policy.  The girl shoots her back a dirty look.  Said page continues to look at her and apologizes, but states again, that's our policy.  

"Well, y'all are all just fucking retarded."

Well, alrighty then.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Buncha Smart-Ass Bitches

I tell myself daily that I love people. 

I don't believe myself.

This evening, I was turning off PC monitors before we closed.  Our computers shut down 15 minutes before we close so that we can herd people out of the library.  Seriously.  When we say we close at a certain time, that does not mean that your ass can stay after that time. 

But I digress.

Two women were on a PC, working frantically on who knows what.  One asks for more time when I inform them that the PCs shut down 15 minutes before we close.  One seems accepting of this information, the other gets downright bitchy. 

Patron:  I can't believe they didn't tell me that the computers shut down before the library closed!  I asked what time they closed!

Me:  Did you ask what time we closed or what time the computers shut down?  I'm sure if you'd told the librarian that you needed to use the computers, they would have told you that they shut down early.

Patron:  Of course I did!  I asked what time you closed and then I asked if the computers would be available until then.

Me: (Suuuuuuuure you did.)  I'm sorry you weren't given the correct information.

Patron:  Well!  We wouldn't have driven over here if we'd known this!

Me:  (Why did you drive over here?  There's a library where you were.  Were you banned?  I'm beginning to think you were banned.)

A few minutes later, I walked over to the area again, this time to take down a clock that had stopped. 

Patron:  Excuse me?  Can you come over here and show us how to print this out before we run out of time in 56 seconds. 

Me:  (Standing on chair... begins to get down out of chair to head that way.)

Patron:  Ma'am!

Me:  I'm coming.  (Seriously, I was 5 feet away, on a chair.  Could she not tell I was headed that direction?"

I see that she has a website pulled up.  I click on "File, Print" etc. in order to get the item printed out before the PC shuts down.

Patron:  Where is it?  Where will it be?

Me:  It prints out at the front desk.  You can pick it up there.

I pick up the clock and head to the office to change the battery.  On my way, I turn to the ladies at the circ desk and say "Will you please check to make sure that whatever it is they need on PC #10 has printed out?"

A few minutes later, one of our pages comes in, holding what appears to be a mostly blank page.  She is followed closely by our circ manager.

Page:  OMG.  1) It didn't print out right and 2) what bitches!

Circ:  By the way, you should know that we're all "a bunch of smart-ass bitches."

Me:  Seriously?

Circ:  Yes, I informed them that they can't talk to us that way.

Outreach Librarian (who has found her way in):  I told them they had to leave.

Turns out she also escorted them from the building.  I love her.

I still don't love people.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

Today, I got to work early to install additional memory in all of the patron PCs.  No big deal.  Open the cases, blow them out with canned air, pop in the memory, and boot up the PCs to make sure everything's kosher.

Everything was going swimmingly until I got to one of the PCs in the children's area.  "CPU fan error."  Lovely.  Shut down.  Blow out PC again.  Boot up.  Same thing.  I text our tech contact to see if he's got any spare fans, just in case.  He does, but he needs a pic of ours so he can double check the connectors.  I open the case over the fan and...

This is stuck in the fan.  What is this?  Despite the fact that it looks like a joint, it's the stick from a lollipop.  Some kid took the time to work this thing in through a small hole in the front of the PC.  Thanks.  Thanks for that, you snot nose little brat.

Just another reason in a long list that we can't have nice things.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Excuse Me, Can I Talk to You About Our Lord... No, no you may not.

We all have them.  The Mormon missionaries who are in town for 3-6 months.  99% of the time, there aren't any problems with them.  We may have to remind the new black ties that they can't leave their literature around the library, but that's usually it.  (Except for the last guy who left the Book of Mormon in the bathroom stall.  That's ingenuity there, folks.)

No, the last guy who was here was dubbed The Grumpy Mormon.  Think Grumpy Cat wearing a short sleeved white shirt & black tie. 

Done laughing?  Let's continue.

Grumpy Mormon was a tall fellow, who insisted that he and his fellow missionary be seated at adjacent PCs.  If two computers weren't available in the adult section, he would come back to the desk and request computers in the kids area.  If the kids were out of school, then he would ask to go into the genealogy room.  Picky, picky, picky. 

Then, I noticed that there were new shortcuts on the genealogy PC desktops.  The first couple of times, they were just links to Family Search, the genealogy website run by the Mormons out of Utah.  It's a fantastic site, but YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH MY COMPUTERS, ASSHAT.  Ahem.  So, I deleted the shortcuts and went on.

The last time I went in and found a shortcut, I went to delete and 'lo and behold, IT WAS A PROGRAM.  WHAT?  You seriously installed a program on my computer?  I've never had to lock those PCs down like the public computers because, seriously, genealogists usually only use the PCs for research.  I was irate.  I think I may have turned some shade of crimson.  I uninstalled the program (from both PCs, mind you), and had to put parental controls on the computers.  I informed the staff that if Grumpy came in to come and get me.  That was fun.

Me:  Excuse me?  You installed a program on the genealogy computer.
Grumpy:  Yes.
Me:  You can't do that.
Grumpy:  Oh?
Me:  No, no you can't.
Grumpy:  Even if it's a genealogy program?
Me:  No, not even then.  These are not your computers.
Grumpy:  Oh, I just assumed it wouldn't be an issue.
Me:  Really?  Try it again and you'll lose your computer privileges.
Grumpy:  ...
Grumpy's cohort:  <looks ashamed and embarrassed>

Needless to say, when Grumpy was replaced by the new missionary, we did a dance of joy.


Friday, January 30, 2015

*cough hack cough*

If you are too sick to go to work, don't come to the library.

If you are too sick to go to school, don't come to the library.

If you have the freaking flu, you sure as hell don't need to come to the library.

This ends are lesson for the day.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Check out these cobwebs

Daaaaaamn, ya'll.  It's dusty around here.  Since my last post, I went back to school, got my MLIS (hot damn!) and got a spiffy raise to go with it.  (Don't get too excited.  I'm still broke.)

I've also had a shit ton of crazy folks to deal with.

In the last 6 months, we've had an older man start coming to the library.  He usually brings his laptop and sits at one of the cafe tables near the front door.  He's always given off a creepy vibe, sitting in his knitted raccoon hat, occasionally complaining that we were intentionally keeping just him off the internet (yeah... because we can do that).  Then someone overheard him say that he liked to sit in that particular area of the library because it's next to the kids area and... he likes to watch the kids.  Seriously?  Because what I really need to deal with is a pedophile.

Most of the time, creepy guy (what we all call him) just gives off a big ol' creepy vibe.  One day, he was completely turned around in his chair, just staring at the kids.  Our token guybrarian got up and went to the office door and took the situation in.  It was kind of funny to watch him stare the guy down.  The kids went into story hour and guybrarian came back into the office, weirded out but feeling better about the creepy-kid-watching dude.

After storyhour, the kids emerged and we watched the doorway to see what happened.  Not only did the dude start staring down the kids again, but he GOT UP and approached one of the grandmothers, questioning her about the program the kids just attended.  At first, we thought maybe they knew each other until she began to back off.  Yay.  So, guybrarian went back to the door, started talking to said grandmother and the guy backed off.  While we can't kick him out since he's never done anything to get booted (oh, that he would!), we can stare him down and keep him from feeling comfortable around the kids.

Wait, you say!  Maybe he just likes kids and doesn't mean anything by it!  Uh-huh.  And monkeys might fly out of my butt.