Thursday, August 25, 2011

Wow, check out the cobwebs!

Yeesh, this place needs an update.  So, without further ado, I give you:

Why there should be an IQ test in order to utilize computers:

Regular patron stops in to use computer.  Haven't seen him in a while.  Say hi, smile, etc.  Later, I'm in the stacks and said patron waves me over.

Patron:  I've forgotten what to do.
Me:  Okay.  What's the problem?
Patron:  I can't remember how to get on.
Me:  (At least he didn't say "get off.")  On.....?
Patron:  The computer.
Me:  (Argh.) Do you still need to log in?  That's your library card number and your session ID that you got at the reservation pc.
Patron:  Oh no, I remember that.
Me:  Oooooooookaaaaay....
Patron:  I can't remember how to get to me email.
Me:  Oh, well, if you've forgotten your password, you can request to have it reset.
Patron:  No, I remember that, too.
Me:  (Refraining from strangling patron):  What exactly is the problem?
Patron:  I don't remember where to go.
Me:  (Oh, I'm sure I could give you some suggestions):  Go?  You mean where to go to check your email?
Patron:  Yeah, that's it.  I don't remember the website.
Me:  Well, what's your email address?
Patron:  It's ........
Me:  Where is it hosted?
Patron:  Huh?
Me:  What's the second half of your email address?  Gmail.com?  Yahoo.com?  Hotmail.com?
Patron:  Oh!  Hotmail!

Turning into the IT support guy from Saturday Night Live, I reach over the patron's shoulder, type "www.hotmail.com" into the address bar, smile and ask if there's anything else he needs.  He says no, I walk back to the desk, still holding the books I'd been shelving, and proceed to beat my head against the circulation desk.  Literally.  Several times.  Luckily, my co-workers understand, pet me on the head and discuss the possibility of keeping liquor under the circ desk.

Same patron, different day:

Patron:  Excuse me, I just wanted to let you know that I put a dollar in the copier, made nine copies and didn't get my change.
Co-worker #1 (Reaches into the drawer to pull a dime out of the change jar.):  Here, let me...
Patron:  No, no.  I'm not complaining, I just wanted to make you aware.
Co-worker #1:  Really, we can give you your change.
Patron:  No, I'm not complaining, I just wanted to let you know that it's not giving change.
Co-worker #2:  The machine might be out of dimes, let us refund...
Patron:  No, I'm not complaining.  You just might want to check.  (Patron then heads for door, pauses and begins again.)  Let's see, if the machine keeps keeps a dime from every patron who makes copies, what would that add up to?
Co-worker #2:  Sir, I can assure you that the library isn't trying to profit off of patrons by skimming money out of the copier.
Patron:  That'd be quite a racket, considering how many people use that copier every day. 

Patron, turns and leaves, leaving my co-workers staring at each other, plotting the force necessary to hurl a dime at the patron's head hard enough in order to penetrate the skull.  My guess?  Harder than most of skulls.