Excuse Me, Can I Talk to You About Our Lord... No, no you may not.

We all have them.  The Mormon missionaries who are in town for 3-6 months.  99% of the time, there aren't any problems with them.  We may have to remind the new black ties that they can't leave their literature around the library, but that's usually it.  (Except for the last guy who left the Book of Mormon in the bathroom stall.  That's ingenuity there, folks.)

No, the last guy who was here was dubbed The Grumpy Mormon.  Think Grumpy Cat wearing a short sleeved white shirt & black tie. 

Done laughing?  Let's continue.

Grumpy Mormon was a tall fellow, who insisted that he and his fellow missionary be seated at adjacent PCs.  If two computers weren't available in the adult section, he would come back to the desk and request computers in the kids area.  If the kids were out of school, then he would ask to go into the genealogy room.  Picky, picky, picky. 

Then, I noticed that there were new shortcuts on the genealogy PC desktops.  The first couple of times, they were just links to Family Search, the genealogy website run by the Mormons out of Utah.  It's a fantastic site, but YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH MY COMPUTERS, ASSHAT.  Ahem.  So, I deleted the shortcuts and went on.

The last time I went in and found a shortcut, I went to delete and 'lo and behold, IT WAS A PROGRAM.  WHAT?  You seriously installed a program on my computer?  I've never had to lock those PCs down like the public computers because, seriously, genealogists usually only use the PCs for research.  I was irate.  I think I may have turned some shade of crimson.  I uninstalled the program (from both PCs, mind you), and had to put parental controls on the computers.  I informed the staff that if Grumpy came in to come and get me.  That was fun.

Me:  Excuse me?  You installed a program on the genealogy computer.
Grumpy:  Yes.
Me:  You can't do that.
Grumpy:  Oh?
Me:  No, no you can't.
Grumpy:  Even if it's a genealogy program?
Me:  No, not even then.  These are not your computers.
Grumpy:  Oh, I just assumed it wouldn't be an issue.
Me:  Really?  Try it again and you'll lose your computer privileges.
Grumpy:  ...
Grumpy's cohort:  <looks ashamed and embarrassed>

Needless to say, when Grumpy was replaced by the new missionary, we did a dance of joy.

Moral of the story:  DO NOT FUCK WITH THE LIBRARY'S STUFF.

Just How Many Books Do You Need?

Disclaimer:  Librarians LOVE avid readers.  They keep us employed.  They keep our collections current with requests for new authors or items we haven't heard of before.  They are generally the most awesome, courteous and gracious people that set foot in a library.  Generally.   But not all.

Policy-speak:  Libraries have limits set for how many items patrons can check out.  Ours is 15 total items, which can include any mix of the following:

• all regular check out books (aka 3 week books)
• four (4) 14-day books (new books, also includes audio & holiday books)
• four (4) DVDs per household
• four (4) music CDs
• magazines

Sound reasonable?  Most patrons never check out that many at one time.  Many seem surprised that we even allow them to have that many out at once.  Never have I had anyone complain about the limit.  Until Monday.

Lady and her husband(?) walk to the counter.  They have more books that I have ever seen anyone try to carry out of the library.  However, since I see two people AND two library cards, I think nothing of it.  I scan the first card.

Me:  Ma'am.  This seems to be your son's card.  Is he with you?
Patron:  No, he's not with me.
Me:  Hold on one second.  (Turn around with card in had to talk to Director.)  I just want to verify that she can't use her son's card if he's not with her.  Correct?
Boss Lady:  Correct.
Me:  (Turn back around to face patron.)  I'm sorry, ma'am, but you can't use this card unless your son is with you.  I see you have 8 audio books.  You'll have to put 4 of them back.
Patron:  (Very loud, annoyed sigh.)  Hmph.  (Plops down audio books and begins to go through them.)
Me:  Ma'am, can I have your card?

Patron flings card at me.
I proceed to begin scanning books as she (loudly) goes through her stack of audio books.  I notice there are still WAY too many items.

Me:  Ma'am, I've already scanned 10 books.  I know you want audio books, so that will be 14 items.  You're limited to 15.  Would you like to go through your books and magazines and weed out what you don't want?
Patron:  What do you mean?
Me:  There is a 15 item limit per patron on what can be checked out at one time.
Patron:  When did that start?????
Me:  That's always been our policy ma'am.
Patron:  I know I've checked out this much before!!!  (Shoves audio books toward me and begins flipping through magazines.)
Me:  I'm sorry, but the policy is 15 items and has been for a long time.

Patron slaps one magazine and book in front of me and shoves the items she can't check out to the side.  Amused co-worker picks up discarded item and places on book cart.  She's enjoying this WAY too much.  I finish scanning items, placing return date slips in a few and restack her pile.

Me:  There you go.  Your audio books are due ______ and other items are due ______.
Patron:  You just wait.  Next time I'll make sure I have my children with me!!!  (Storms out with her items and very quiet confused looking husband in tow.)

Thanks for threatening me with your children, lady.  Do they get to check out books that THEY want to read when they come or do you just use their cards to get your stuff?

No, I'm Not a Babysitter

Our policy is easy and (IMHO) a little lenient.  Children under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult or guardian.  The term "guardian" also currently includes older siblings.  Oh yeah, that's right.  We occassionally have babies watching babies, if you will.  Especially during the summer.  We also ask parents to watch their young children while they're here.

But that doesn't always happen.

In the Easy Reader/Children's section, we have a PC setup with a Fischer-Price keyboard and games.  Kids under the age of 7 can play on the computer for a short period.  Cool?  Yes.  Annoying when the parents think they can drop them there and spend an hour on a PC checking their e-mail?  Hell yes.  Especially when the child is 3, still in diapers, drooling all over everything and crying for momma.  What's momma doing during this?  Facebooking and ignoring the child.  One of us must leave the desk, find momma and inform her that she needs to be watching her child.  Most of the time we get "oh, sorry," then the mom takes the child back to her pc, the child stays there for 5-10 minutes and then gets bored that mom's ignoring her and proceeds to walk BACK to the kids' pc.  This process gets repeated until:

• A) the librarian gets frustrated enough that she stops trying,
• B) the child cries loud enough that the mother gets embarrassed and yanks the child from the library,
• C) the child cries loud enough that the mother gets angry and proceeds to yell at the child in front of everyone or
• D) the other patrons begin complaining loud enough that the parent finally pays attention to her child.  (D happens VERY rarely.) 

What always gets me are the parents who act like they've never heard of this policy or try to tell us "other librarians have said it's ok."  Well, it's not ok, this is our policy, so suck it up.  OK, so maybe I don't tell them to suck it up.  Most of the time.

Last week was a great moment in Dealing With Irritated Parents 101:

Child gets on one of the children's computers for the first time.  Parent has no idea how to help the child log on.  I help the child make her reservation and logon.  Go me.  Parent's cell phone rings (argh-ever heard of VIBRATE?).  Parent approaches desk.
Patron:  My other daughter is being dropped off at the house and I need to be there when she's dropped off.  Is it ok if I leave my daughter here?
Me:  (Looking at child.) How old is your daughter?
Patron:  7 1/2.
Me:  I'm sorry, ma'am, our policy is that children under the age of 12 must be accompanied by an adult.
Patron:  I'll only be gone a few minutes.
Me:  I'm sorry, ma'am.  That's our policy.  (Because I'm not a babysitter, dammit.)
Patron:  HMMPH.
Patron then storms off, plops down beside her daughter using the computer and stays.  What the  fuck?!?!?!?!  Thought you had to run home to get your other daughter.

Argh.  I love stupid people.