Regular patron stops in to use computer. Haven't seen him in a while. Say hi, smile, etc. Later, I'm in the stacks and said patron waves me over.
Patron: I've forgotten what to do.
Me: Okay. What's the problem?
Patron: I can't remember how to get on.
Me: (At least he didn't say "get off.") On.....?
Patron: The computer.
Me: (Argh.) Do you still need to log in? That's your library card number and your session ID that you got at the reservation pc.
Patron: Oh no, I remember that.
Me: Oooooooookaaaaay....
Patron: I can't remember how to get to me email.
Me: Oh, well, if you've forgotten your password, you can request to have it reset.
Patron: No, I remember that, too.
Me: (Refraining from strangling patron): What exactly is the problem?
Patron: I don't remember where to go.
Me: (Oh, I'm sure I could give you some suggestions): Go? You mean where to go to check your email?
Patron: Yeah, that's it. I don't remember the website.
Me: Well, what's your email address?
Patron: It's ........
Me: Where is it hosted?
Patron: Huh?
Me: What's the second half of your email address? Gmail.com? Yahoo.com? Hotmail.com?
Patron: Oh! Hotmail!
Turning into the IT support guy from Saturday Night Live, I reach over the patron's shoulder, type "www.hotmail.com" into the address bar, smile and ask if there's anything else he needs. He says no, I walk back to the desk, still holding the books I'd been shelving, and proceed to beat my head against the circulation desk. Literally. Several times. Luckily, my co-workers understand, pet me on the head and discuss the possibility of keeping liquor under the circ desk.
Same patron, different day:
Patron: Excuse me, I just wanted to let you know that I put a dollar in the copier, made nine copies and didn't get my change.
Co-worker #1 (Reaches into the drawer to pull a dime out of the change jar.): Here, let me...
Patron: No, no. I'm not complaining, I just wanted to make you aware.
Co-worker #1: Really, we can give you your change.
Patron: No, I'm not complaining, I just wanted to let you know that it's not giving change.
Co-worker #2: The machine might be out of dimes, let us refund...
Patron: No, I'm not complaining. You just might want to check. (Patron then heads for door, pauses and begins again.) Let's see, if the machine keeps keeps a dime from every patron who makes copies, what would that add up to?
Co-worker #2: Sir, I can assure you that the library isn't trying to profit off of patrons by skimming money out of the copier.
Patron: That'd be quite a racket, considering how many people use that copier every day.
Patron, turns and leaves, leaving my co-workers staring at each other, plotting the force necessary to hurl a dime at the patron's head hard enough in order to penetrate the skull. My guess? Harder than most of skulls.
